As you already know, there once lived in Ireland a giant hero named Cuchulainn. And another hero, the same cocky warrior, only smaller in stature, named Finn.
What stories have not been told about these two heroes, about their fierce battles and courageous deeds! But we will tell you a completely different story. Most likely, this is not a very true story, but just a fairy tale about giants, which they came up with, tired of talking about their heroic deeds and wanting to laugh at them.
Yes, so Finn lived in a big house at the very top of a steep mountain. It cannot be said that it was such a convenient place to live: no matter where the wind blew, it was always very windy on the top of the mountain. In addition, when Finn was not at home, his wife, Unah, had to go fetch water herself, and for this she had to go down to the foot of a steep mountain where a stream flowed, and then climb up with full buckets. It's not as easy as you might imagine.
And yet, in one respect, the place where Finn’s house stood was very convenient: from the top of the mountain Finn could see all four sides - north, south, west, and east. Therefore, when it occurred to one of his enemies to pay him a visit, he knew about it in advance. And Finn was not one of those who liked unexpected visits and all sorts of surprises.
True, he could have found out what awaited him in another way. To do this, he just had to put his finger in his mouth, feel the last tooth on the right side, and he would immediately know what was about to happen.
And then one fine day, when Finn and his wife Unah were sitting peacefully at the table, Finn accidentally put his finger in his mouth and immediately turned white, like snow in January.
-What happened, Finn? – asked his wife Unah.
- Oh woe and destruction! “He’s coming here,” Finn answered as soon as he took his finger out of his mouth and was able to speak.
-Who's coming here? – Unah was surprised.
- The terrible monster Cuchulainn! - Finn answered, and at the same time he looked completely sad, like a rainy Sunday.
Unach knew very well that, although her husband was a real giant, as tall as a good tower, he was not suitable for Cuchulainn to be a younger brother. The last thing in the world Finn would like to face is such an opponent! All the surrounding giants were afraid of Cuchulainn. When he got angry and stamped his foot, the whole island shook. And once he slammed his fist into ball lightning so hard that he turned it into a cake! And since then he always carried it in his pocket to show anyone who would get into a fight with him.
We won’t argue; Finn could have performed on an equal footing with any other giant, but not with Cuchulainn. At one time he boasted that even if Cuchulainn just showed up, he would show him! And now - about woe and destruction to him! “Cuchulainn is close, and meeting him cannot be avoided.”
“If I hide from him,” said Finn, “I will become the laughing stock of all the giants.” But to fight a monster that can turn ball lightning into a cake with one blow of his fist - no, no! It's better to outwit him somehow. But just how?
- How far is he now? – Finn’s wife asks.
“Near Dunganon,” Finn answers.
– When should he be here? – asks Unah.
“Tomorrow by two o’clock in the afternoon,” Finn answers and adds with a groan: “My thumb tells me that I can’t avoid meeting him this time.”
- Well, well, dear! Don’t be discouraged and don’t lose heart, says Unakh. - Let's see, maybe I can help you out of trouble.
- Help me out, my dear! For the sake of all the saints, help us! Otherwise he will either roast me like a hare, or disgrace me in front of all our giants. Oh, poor and miserable me!
-Shame on you, Finn! - says Unah. - Enough whining and wailing. We've seen such giants! Lightning in a pancake, you say? Well, we’ll also treat him to a flatbread that will make all his teeth ache! Do not call me your faithful Unah again, if I do not wrap this formidable monster around my finger.
With these words, Unah left the house and soon returned with a pile of huge flat frying pans - barley cakes or flat breads are usually baked on such iron frying pans.
Unah kneaded more dough so that there was enough for all the pans. However, she baked very strange cakes. She put an iron frying pan in all the cakes, except one, the largest, probably the size of a cart wheel, and baked them like that. And when the cakes cooled down, I hid them in the cupboard. Then she prepared a large cream cheese, boiled a whole leg of pork, set it to cool, and threw a dozen forkfuls of cabbage one by one into boiling water.
Evening had already arrived - the evening before the day when Cuchulainn was supposed to come. And the last thing Unah did was to light a bright fire on one of the neighboring hills that stood closer to the road, put two fingers in her mouth and whistle loudly three times.
This meant that Finn’s house was hospitably open to strangers - this has been a custom among the Irish since time immemorial. And Unach wanted Cuchulainn to hear her.
The next day, from the very morning, Finn was already on guard, and when he saw his enemy Cuchulainn, tall as a church bell tower, in the valley, he ran home and flew into the room where Unach was sitting, whiter than the cream cheese that she had prepared for the distinguished guest.
- He's coming! – Finn said in a trembling voice.
“Oh, really, Finn, why are you so excited,” Unah said with a smile. - Come with me! Do you see this cradle? Our children have long since grown out of it. Here's my nightgown and cap - they could easily pass for a child's. Put them on and lie down in the cradle, tuck your legs, and somehow you will fit in it, and I will cover you with a blanket. Just make sure you lie down and keep quiet, no matter what happens. Today you must act out the role of a nursing baby.
Finn obediently did everything, but when a loud knock was heard on the door of his house, he began to tremble, lying in his cradle.
- Come in and be a welcome guest! – Unah shouted, opening the door to a monster twice the size of her Finn.
As you probably already guessed, it was the giant Cuchulainn.
“Peace to this house,” he said in a thunderous voice. – Is this where the famous Finn lives?
- You guessed it! - Unah said. - Come in, make yourself at home, good man.
“Aren’t you going to be Mrs. Finn?” - asks Cuchulainn, entering the house and sitting down on a wide chair.
- You guessed right again. I am the wife of the glorious and mighty giant Finn.
“We know, we know, he has long been known as the famous giant of Ireland.” Well, in front of you now is the one who came to fight him in a fair fight!
- Oh my God! – Unah clasped her hands. “It’s a shame, but he left the house at dawn today.” Word reached him that a huge monster named Cuchulainn was waiting for him by the sea on the northern shore, you know, where the Irish giants were building a dam to get to Scotland by land. By heaven, I would not want this poor Cuchulainn to meet my Finn today. He's so furious today that he'll crush him into dust!
- Let it be known to you that Cuchulainn is me. And I came to Finn to fight with him,” said Cuchulainn, frowning. “I’ve been chasing him for twelve months now, and it’s not he who’s going to crush me, but I’m going to grind him into powder!”
- Oh my God! I guess you've never seen my Finn? – Unah said, shaking her head.
“How could I see Finn,” said Cuchulainn, “if he always runs away from under my nose, like a snipe in a swamp?”
- Who is this - Finn is running away from under your nose, you unfortunate little thing! - says Unah. - Yes, I swear on my honor, it will be the darkest day of your life when you meet Finn! You can only hope that his violent mood will subside a little by then, otherwise you will have to say goodbye to your life. You can rest here now, but when you leave, I swear by all the saints, I will pray for you so that you never meet my Finn!
Then Cuchulain began to have doubts: was it not in vain that he came to this house? They were silent for a while, then Unah remarked:
- What a wind today! The door slams and the fireplace smokes. It’s a pity that Finn is not at home, he would help me, as always in this weather. But since he’s gone, maybe you can do me this little favor?
– What service? - asked Cuchulainn.
- Yes, just turn the house to face the other direction. Finn always does this when the wind is strong.
Here Cuchulainn was overcome by even greater doubts. However, he got up and followed Unah out of the house. But first, he pulled himself three times by the middle finger of his right hand - all his strength lay in this finger! - and then, clasping the house with his hands, he turned it exactly as Unah asked.
Finn, lying in the cradle, almost died of fear, because in fact never in all the years that he had been married to Unah had she asked him for anything like that.
Unach smiled at Cuchulainn and thanked him casually, as if turning the house was the same as closing a door.
“Since you are so kind,” she said, “perhaps you can do me one more favor?”
- Which one? - asks Cuchulainn.
“Nothing special,” she says. – Due to severe drought, I have to walk very far for water, to the very foot of the mountain. Finn promised me last night that he would move the mountains apart and move the source closer here. But he left the house in such a hurry, rushing to meet you, that he completely forgot about it. If you could move the rocks apart just a little, I would instantly get some water and prepare lunch for you.
Cuchulainn did not really like this request. He looked at the mountains, pulled himself three times by the middle finger of his right hand, then looked at the mountains again and again pulled himself three times by the middle finger of his right hand. But this turned out to be not enough.
Looking at the mountains for the third time, he pulled himself for the third time by the middle finger of his right hand three times - a total of nine times! - and only then did he manage to make a large crack in the mountain, a mile long and four hundred feet deep.
This crack remains to this day - it is called Lamford Gorge.
“Thank you very much,” Unah said. “Now let’s go into the house and I’ll prepare dinner in a moment.” Finn will never forgive me if I let you go without lunch. Although you are enemies with him, you should not neglect our modest meal.
And Unah put a cold pork leg and fresh butter on the table, took the cooked cabbage off the heat and finally took out from the cupboard the large round flatbreads that she had baked the day before.
“You’re welcome, don’t be shy,” she said to Cuchulainn. Cuchulainn started with a pork leg, then took boiled cabbage and finally a large round cake. Opening his mouth wide to grab a larger piece, he closed his jaws and immediately roared in a voice that was not his own:
- A hundred devils and one witch!
- What's happened? – Unah asked.
“It’s like my two best teeth are gone!” What kind of bread did you give me?
“Oh,” said Unah, pretending to be very surprised, “ordinary bread!” Not only Finn, but even his child in the cradle eats such bread!
With these words, Unah took the largest cake from the table, which, as you remember, did not contain an iron frying pan, went up to the cradle and handed the cake to Finn.
Cuchulainn watched her carefully and saw how the child in the cradle took a huge bite from the cake and began to chew it.
“Now try another flatbread, dear Cuchulainn,” Unach suggested, shaking her head sympathetically. - Maybe she will be softer.
But the other flatbread was also baked in the pan. Cuchulainn roared even louder than before. So loud that Finn in the cradle trembled with fear and even groaned.
- Well, you scared the child! - Unah said. “If you can’t handle this bread, I would say quietly, why shout so much?”
But Cuchulainn had no time for answers. He thought about the strange order in this house, which had to be turned first in one direction and then in the other; about the mountains that need to be moved apart, and about this strange child who has not yet left the cradle, but is already chewing iron bread as if nothing had happened!.. And he himself trembled with fear. Looks like he was really lucky that he didn't find Finn at home. It turns out that everything Unah told him was true!
And Cuchulainn, without saying goodbye or even saying thank you for dinner, ran down the steep hill on which Finn’s house stood, and ran without looking back until both the green mountains and the Lamford Gorge were left far behind.
And Finn climbed out of the cradle, and he and Unach had a wonderful dinner with everything that was left from the dinner that the wise Unach had prepared for Cuchulainn.
Translated from Russian · original on wisdomlib.ru