So, the cowboys had three favorite jokes: “snipe hunt”, “a story without end, without beginning” and “snake soup”.
Jack Hilton was a newcomer to the ranch, or rather, even a guest, and therefore he had to be played - this was the custom among cowboys. But how?
He was very deft with his lasso. I threw such loops and tightened them like your snake.
That's it, a snake prank would be perfect for him, everyone decided.
But this comedy needed more participants so that a conversation on a wild topic - “How to make rattlesnake soup?” - looked more believable and convincing.
Fortunately, that evening everyone gathered at the ranch: Handsome Johnny, Bob the Hyena, Young Boar and even Pete, nicknamed Safe, not counting Big Legs, Dirty Shirt, as well as Toady and Fat Tummy. The two stopped at a ranch on the way from Glendive, where they had gone looking for fun.
The company has gathered everywhere for the upcoming game!
Cowboy Bob the Hyena began:
“Tell me, Jack, does your mother make thicker or thinner rattlesnake soup?”
- What kind of ridiculous question? - Jack was surprised, but Fat Tummy’s subsequent remark misled him.
Fat Tummy said with a sigh:
- Mm, my favorite soup!
And Dirty Shirt went straight at poor Jack:
“Haven’t you ever tried rattlesnake soup?” The calf is premature! Yes, any cowboy in the West would give his soul for him! It’s tricky to prepare, otherwise we’d just lap it up.
Here Bigfoot got into the conversation, and after his statement, Jack’s last doubts about this sickening food disappeared.
- Who, who, your old woman knows the secret of how to cook it better than others, right, Young Boar? - said Bigfoot. “It’s a pity she doesn’t have any leisure time right now, otherwise she’d quickly whip it up for us.”
So Jack fell into the trap.
“Young Boar,” he begged, “be a friend, tell me how to cook it, this rattlesnake stew?”
And the comedy began. The first word is to the Young Boar:
- First of all, you take out a couple of boats, one larger, the other smaller, so as not to get confused. And so that they will already rust inside. It is imperative that they rust, otherwise the soup will not be right, it will not be rich... Fat belly, you asked just now what size boats are best suited for this task? Now, let me think... So, in general, if it is not for a gala reception or a political event, I think the larger one should be about three gallons, and the smaller one - well, the size of a termite mound, the size of an anthill, therefore...
What are you doing, Handsome Johnny? Don't you believe they'll rust? It’s impossible without this, no! Just don’t spill it, otherwise all the soup will leak out, the flavor will go away, and only the thickness will remain. And again, the body needs iron to keep the blood pumping more vigorously. No, you can’t live without rust!..
Round, you say, sycophant? No, no, any kind of boat, just not the round ones! I was just about to explain to young Hilton that you shouldn’t roll up a snake and put it whole in a bowl, you should cut it into pieces and put it in pieces in a bowl. It will boil better this way...
After small negotiations of this kind, in which everyone took part as much as possible, Young Pig again took on the role of leader:
- So, now you understand everything about the boats, right, Hilt? Don’t forget to add sugar, salt and pepper, and if you like it spicy, you can add mustard and a handful of dried leaves of young wormwood...
What are you whispering about, Safe and Handsome, huh? Answer, but not both at once, one at a time. First the Safe. Oh, you want to know what kind of pepper to put in, red or black? You're a Mexican, as you know, and you vote for Red. But I prefer to mix - a third
red, two thirds black. Are you suggesting we add some salad, Handsome? It’s not worth it, ordinary wormwood will suffice, it’s sharper. Some people believe that a pinch of prickly pear gives the soup a special piquancy. I don’t know, I don’t presume to judge...
Thank you, Bigfoot, thank you, friend, for reminding me about black molasses! And how could I forget about her? Two or three spoons of black molasses is a must! And a few drops of vinegar. No, no, Hyena, I don’t even like cinnamon and nutmeg!..
Then everyone added something else, and everyone seriously discussed it. Finally, fearing that they themselves were about to get confused and would only arouse unnecessary suspicions in Jack, Young Boar moved on to the second stage of preparation.
“So you already know, Jack, what and how to cook it in and what to season it with.” Now the main thing is the snake itself. There are eccentrics who recognize rattlers as only one size. I don't agree with them. Of course, you’re right, Fat Tummy, if the snake is too small, it doesn’t even have meat, and if it’s too big, it’s too old and that means it will be tough, that’s all right, that’s true. And they are still arguing whether to skin it or leave it. Personally, I prefer to cook with the skin, it turns out juicier!..
What are you, a sycophant? Do you want to tell me what to do next? Now, now! So, yes. You lay out the snakes in a row, cut off their heads exactly behind the ears and throw these heads into a smaller bowl, then pour in enough water to cover them, no more, and set the smaller bowl aside. Then you cut off the rattles and place them next to a small bowl so that they are at hand when the time comes to decorate some dish with them. And then with a sharp knife you cut the snake’s body crosswise into pieces no longer than three inches... No, Dirty Shirt, you shouldn’t cut it lengthwise, the soup will be cloudy...
This was followed by a short exchange of views, in which
Surely the area is home to the most delicious rattlesnakes. And along the way, the most plausible stories were told about how this legendary soup glorified such and such a cook in Texas, and disgraced such and such a cook from Oregon forever. Jack listened with open ears, and Young Boar moved on to the final part of his presentation:
- Finally, you take a large bowl and, having covered the bottom with wormwood leaves, carefully lay the pieces of the snake - one layer in parallel rows, the other across or askew, and again from the beginning until you have laid all the pieces. And only after that you can throw in the spices. That's it!
The young Pig finished speaking and blew a snuff of snuff into his nose.
- But what next, for God’s sake! - Jack exclaimed.
This was the request everyone was waiting for! Like an invitation to the denouement, which cowboys always anticipate with delight.
After the thoughtful “cough, cough” and “um, hm,” the Young Boar pretended to think for a minute, then solemnly said:
- I said “that’s all!” I'm ready to do it again. Because the only thing you can do next is to put on your hat and, maintaining full dignity, gallop away from this stinking brew!
Translated from Russian · original on wisdomlib.ru