Once upon a time there lived a husband and wife. They lived amicably, never quarreled or swore. And their neighbors, also husband and wife, were always quarreling like gypsies. The husband says to his wife:
“I’ve known our neighbor since childhood. He was such a smart, sedate and worthy man, but when he got married, it was as if he had gone crazy. Just listen to how he screams, swears and curses, even the grass around withers from such abuse.
“Why are you surprised,” says the wife, “don’t you know that a wife can deprive her husband of his reason and twist his brain so much on one side that he becomes a fool...
- It can’t be, I don’t believe it. I would like to see how my wife will twist my brains on one side.
So they bickered and argued, but, thank God, it didn’t come to anything bad except sharp words. The husband was a hot-tempered, cool, quick-tempered, but easy-going man; and the wife was vindictive. They quarreled in the winter. But then winter passed, spring came, field work began - plowing for oats, and then for corn and millet. The husband went to the field to plow with a plow, and the wife stayed at home to cook dinner. She had to take lunch to her husband herself, because they didn’t have maids. I took the pots with lunch for the plowmen and went to the field. Meets fishermen with a rich catch. She remembered that her husband, like a cat, was greedy for fish, and also remembered how they had quarreled in the winter (she was a vindictive woman), and quickly realized how easy it would be for her to prove to her husband that his wife could deprive him of his mind. She bought a large carp from the fishermen, hid it in her apron and went into the field. Her husband and his driver were plowing at one end of the field, and his wife turned off the road and went to the other end. There she pulled the carp out of her apron, laid it on the field and carried lunch to where the plowmen were turning the plow. The plowmen have two furrows left to go. The assistant urged the oxen on, sometimes with affection, sometimes with scolding, and the husband walked behind the plow. When he reached the place where his wife hid the carp, the ploughshare plowed the fish out of the furrow. As soon as the husband saw the plowed carp, he shouted:
- Hey, stop, henchman! Look, my brother, luckily we plowed out carp.
But the carp is still alive, its mouth is open. The plowmen are surprised where the carp come from here, but they both agree that although it looks like a miracle, they were so lucky. The husband took the carp and, pleased, took it to his wife.
- Look, wife, what I've done. You know what a fish hunter I am; Boil half and fry half for dinner, and we’ll have a great meal.
The wife didn’t say a word, silently took the carp and after lunch went home to prepare dinner for the plowmen. She threw the carp into the water, and for dinner she prepared a thinner pork stew. I prepared grated dough with milk and baked strudel with lard. The plowmen and other workers from the field came to dinner. The wife set the table and put out the stew with crumbled bread.
The workers are hungry and are eating it on both cheeks. And my husband ate somehow, carp soup was still waiting. My wife brought smoked lard and pork offal. My husband only tried two or three pieces, saving room for the fish. The wife brought the strudel, but the husband didn’t touch it. He got tired of waiting for fish, and he sharply asked his wife:
- Where is the fish, why don’t you serve fish?
- What fish? Where?
- Hey, wife, don't be stupid. Today I plowed up a large carp in our field and gave it to you so that you could boil half and fry half for dinner.
- God bless you, you're crazy! Where has this been seen so that the fish can be plowed out? Cross yourself, you're crazy.
- Hey, look, wife! You want to fool me, I’ll pull you by the braid now.
The husband jumped out from the table and rushed at his wife. Household members ran up and wanted to protect her, but they could not completely shield her from her enraged husband. He grabbed a piece of thick rope and hit his wife. The neighbors came running in response to the noise and screams, with difficulty freed the wife and took her away, and tied the husband with a rope like crazy. The husband did not expect this and began to really rage, yell and prove that he had actually plowed up a large carp in his field, gave it to his wife and ordered half to be boiled and half to be fried for dinner.
People came, listened, and everyone said:
- Poor guy, he's completely crazy.
They brought a doctor, but it was impossible to approach the husband; he began to scold both the doctor and his wife and kept shouting that he was completely healthy, but they wanted to make him crazy. But as soon as he started talking about the carp again, the doctor ordered cold water to be poured on it, and if possible, ice water. But this didn’t help either, he only became even more angry and furious. The doctor did not help him, and two days later the neighbors persuaded him to take the patient to a monastery. Let the monks say a prayer over him, maybe there is a demon inside him. The husband got angry, called his family fools and blockheads, and his wife a witch, a gypsy brat, and said:
“Wait, you bastard, you want to twist my brains on one side, and I’ll break your back, comb your hair without a comb, beat you hand and foot with a stick.”
“You’d better pray to God, he’ll give you back your sanity, but why quibble and make nonsense?” - said the wife.
His household tied him up and took him to the monastery; the monks brought old large books and began to read over him in order to drive the demon out of him. And the sick man told the monks that they were working in vain, there was no demon in him.
“Reverend fathers,” he says, “if you can, then it’s better to drive the demon out of my wife, but driving the demon out of me is like threshing straw, there is no demon in me, and I haven’t gone crazy at all, but I will always say that I plowed a carp and gave it to my wife so that she could boil half of it and fry half of it for dinner.” And she, the sneak, fools me, says that she has never heard of anyone plowing up a carp.
“Hey, wife, don’t worry, just let me get to the stick, I’ll show you!”
The monks listened and listened, and they couldn’t believe that he was not crazy and that there was no demon in him; on the contrary, they concluded from his words that he was crazy, and they all read prayers over him together. A lot of monks gathered, and behind them stood the wife, and, quietly, so that no one would notice, as soon as the husband looked in her direction, she would stick the carp’s head out of her apron. The husband saw a fish head and shouted:
“Reverend fathers, there’s a carp, there he is in his wife’s apron!”
The monks hit him on the head with the Book of Hours, and his brain turned upside down.
So the wife tormented her husband for quite a long time until she assured him that she could deprive him of his mind. But, as we hear, he then took such revenge on his wife that she lost all desire to fool him. There is nothing worse than doing everything contrary.
Translated from Russian · original on wisdomlib.ru