Here is another example of the ingenuity of the shanakha. I have already told you several stories about the wisdom of Dark Patrick, although somewhat hastily. But I will give one story about the amazing intelligence of this man in all details. I will tell it exactly as I heard it from Tuathal O Slitheen: I will not distort his thoughts and words.
In times long past, a thousand years ago, Ireland could rightfully be proud of its world-famous schools, and especially the school in Mangret, which was considered the best, the most serious.
But the English king decided to bypass Ireland and gathered in Oxford the entire flower of world learning, and Mangret had to give in - Oxford took over.
It happened, however, that when the King of Munster visited England and Oxford, during a great dinner given in his honor, he boasted that the scientists of Mangret University surpassed all scientists in the world in the depth and sublimity of their knowledge. Refuting this, the head of Oxford University hit the table with his fist so hard that he broke all the cups and saucers. The King of Munster also got excited and, having forgotten himself, challenged the Oxfordians: he proposed sending five of the most famous Oxford scientists to Mangret to meet with five Mangretians in order to resolve this issue once and for all in a scientific dispute.
Having issued the challenge, he immediately became annoyed with himself. But Mangret’s scientists became even more annoyed with him when they found out about this. And the head of Oxford University was delighted that it would be possible to finally disgrace Mangret, and broadcast this competition to everyone - both scientists and mere mortals. And everyone was simply burning with impatience to quickly see how the glory of the famous Mangret school would die.
The Mangretians hung their heads: they knew that Oxford was stronger. One blamed the other, and everyone blamed the Munster king together. The professors had to be tied to their beds so that they would not wander around the city and scare everyone with their dull appearance.
Gradually, the unrest from the Kingdom of Munster spread to the whole of Ireland. And the closer the terrible day approached, the more deplorable the situation of the entire country became, until finally the grief and sadness that oppressed the heart of everyone became sadly obvious. But the grief of the Munster king himself was most terrible of all.
And then a short, strong man appeared in Mangret - black-haired and black-moustached, nicknamed Dark Patrick, originally from Donegal, whom the neighbors all knew and respected for his bright mind, and headed straight to the university. No one paid attention to this dark-haired man, they only showed him how to get through if he asked. And he also didn’t say anything about himself or why he came.
It was the eve of the great competition.
Dark Patrick reached the school just when hopeless despair gripped absolutely everyone: both in the school itself and outside its walls, only screams and groans were heard. He made his way through the crowd that was blocking his passage and asked to be taken to the head of the university.
When Dark Patrick was brought to him, he asked:
-Who are you, good man? Where did you come from? And what can I do for you? Just hurry up with your answer,” he snapped right there, “for I don’t have enough time for you.”
And Dark Patrick replied:
“It doesn’t matter who I am or where I’m from, although I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m from Donegal.” And I don’t think,” he continued, “that you can help me with anything.” However, I still thank you. And I came after hearing about the trouble that you, and your colleagues, and all the people here were in. I came to see if maybe I, a mere mortal, could help you out.
The great professor looked at Dark Patrick and his little red bundle tied to a stick, which he laid on the ground near him, and how he wanted to laugh - it was the first laugh that escaped him in the last thirteen weeks. And when people heard that the head of the school was laughing loudly, they all immediately burst into the large hall where the conversation was being held with Patrick to find out what had happened. And when they realized why this little man had come to them, they also roared with laughter, so that the walls shook.
Their laughter reached the ears of the Munster king, and he came running to find out what miracle had happened. Patrick gave the king the due bow, but remained unperturbed, like a trout in a pool, looked down at the ground and did not utter a word.
The great professors introduced him to the king and explained the purpose of his coming: to save the good name and glory of Mangret University - the honor of Ireland. And then they burst into laughter again, almost tearing their stomachs. However, the king did not laugh, no. He listened and listened to how they laughed, and then asked what reason they had for fun.
“Of course, you cannot allow this,” he said, “and yet there are people who have never even seen your school, but they also understand something, and sometimes they understand everything so subtly that they can surprise even you with their actions.”
Then he turned to Patrick and asked him a question so politely and with such respect that the wounded professors' mouths dropped open.
“What plan do you propose,” asked the king, “to save the good name and glory of our school in Mangret - the honor of Ireland?”
– First I would like to know when you are expecting these five English professors?
- Tomorrow at twelve!
– Hmm... Can I choose three university scientists that I will need exactly two hours before this deadline?
- Yes, sure! At least thirty-three, if you wish!
Patrick was pleased and said:
- Well, the morning is wiser than the evening.
And he was the only person in all of Ireland who slept that night.
And in the morning, by order of the king, all the professors lined up in a row. Then they invited Patrick and asked him to make a choice.
First, he asked the expert on La-tyn, the best of the best, to step forward. Then the best expert in Greek. And finally, the foremost expert in the Language of Super-Learned Wisdom.
His request was fulfilled.
Then he ordered to bring the most tattered clothes, in which only a garden scarecrow could be dressed, as well as three healthy hammers for crushing stones.
Very soon everything he asked for was lying on the ground in front of him, and Patrick said, holding out the disgusting clothes to the three great professors:
- Here, get it! You can retire and, without wasting time, throw off everything unnecessary and put on these clothes.
The three great professors turned green with anger, and not so much as submitting, but were ready to send Patrick to the devil or even worse, but they only noticed the king’s stern gaze on them.
- Go, gentlemen! - the king said loudly and menacingly. – Follow this gentleman’s request!
And they left to change clothes, and when they returned, this was the picture! But no one dared even smile, in fear of the king. Yes, the audience had something to laugh at.
Patrick picked up three hammers for crushing stones and said to the three venerable elders:
- Follow me!
And so, accompanied by three great scientists, dressed as we have just described, Patrick went out onto the road leading to Dublin, along which the Oxford professors were supposed to pass at any moment.
A mile from the university they stopped at an intersection. Here some old man always sat on a pile of stones and crushed stones to repair the road. Patrick ordered the old man to come down, thrust a hammer into the hands of the great expert in the Language of the Super-Learned Wisdom and ordered him to climb onto the stones and crush them, as the true stonemasons of Newry do. In addition, he gave him several secret instructions, from which his face brightened.
And he moved on with the other two. And at the next crossroads, which was three miles from the university, he handed the hammer to the Greek scholar, who also ordered him to climb onto a pile of stones and crush them. And he gave some instructions in his ear.
With a third scholar, a great Latin scholar, he walked until he reached a third crossroads, six miles from the university. And he also thrust a hammer into his hands, sat him down on a pile of stones and also ordered him to crush them, whispering some instructions.
And listen! Before this learned man had time to sit down on a pile of stones, a carriage with five Oxford elders, the greatest and most famous scientists in the whole world, rolls past. Having reached a crossroads and not knowing which road to take, they stop the carriage to find out. And, noticing a ragged old man crushing stones, they decide among themselves:
“This old stonecutter will show us the way, if only we can find simple enough words for him to understand us.”
They greet the old stonecutter and ask, choosing the simplest words, if he would be so kind as to show them the right way to Mangret University. The old stonecutter, in turn, greets them and gives precise instructions on the best way to get to the university in Mang-ret - and all this in the purest Latin!
The five sages were breathless. They leaned back into the carriage and for the first time since the challenge, their courage wavered.
But they were brave sages, they would not be afraid of the devil himself. And as soon as the coachman moved forward, they took out their notebooks, where they had written travel notes, and wrote down:
“Six miles from Mangret University, ordinary road stonemasons speak in the purest Latin.” What is true is true.
When they arrived at the next intersection, they again began to wonder which of the four roads they needed. They looked out of the carriage and saw another old stonecutter, diligently crushing stones. One of the pundits called out to him, greeted him and asked if he would show him the right way to Mangret University. The old stonemason looked up from his work, greeted them and explained exactly how to get to the university in Mangret - all in the purest Greek!
The five wise men even immediately became haggard. They did not allow the coachman to go further and began to consult what would be the smartest thing to do: drive forward or run without looking back into Dublin harbor and from there home. Two voted to go forward, two voted to go back, the decision was left to the latter. But he turned out to be brave - you can’t intimidate him that easily - and in the end he voted to go forward.
And so they moved on and along the way they made the following entry in their books:
“Three miles from the great university of Mangretsky, ordinary road stonemasons explain themselves in the purest Greek language.”
By this time, the souls of the poor English had already sunk into their heels, and they could only painfully regret that instead of them this task had not been entrusted to five of their worst enemies in Oxford!
So listen further! A mile from Mangret they come across a third intersection. The carriage stops, one of them leans out of the window and again sees an old stonecutter on a pile of stones, who is hitting the stones as hard as he can. They all greet him and ask if he can show them the way to Mangret University. The old stonecutter raises his head from his work, gives them a polite bow, says first his greeting, and then instructions on how to get to the university in Mangret - and all this in the Language of Super-Learned Wisdom!
Five famous professors, all as one, lean out of the carriage window and shout to the coachman:
- Immediately wrap up your horses and drive to Dublin with all your might! – lean back and fall unconscious into each other’s arms.
When they came to their senses and realized that they were safe on the ship on their way to England, they took out their notebooks and wrote:
“One mile from the incomparable and greatest university in Mangret, even road stonemasons do not want to explain themselves otherwise than in the Language of Super-Learned Wisdom. Thus, by making a timely escape, we saved the pure name and glory of our pride, the University of Oxford, from eternal shame.”
In the old days they said:
Three things should not be dulled: the sword, the shovel and human thought.
Translated from Russian · original on wisdomlib.ru